My Writing

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My Writing

Post by If I Could Rewind on Tue Nov 02, 2010 11:06 am

Basically I'll just post one thing right now if you want me to do more could I have some feed back on what I could do to improve ect.


There’s a boy sitting somewhere staring out his second story bedroom window again. His mind is blank and he wonders when, when it all went wrong, when his life screwed up. And he sits and he stares he wonders why, why it all had to happen, why his parents died, why all his friends lives are so screwed up, but most of all why his little brothers blood seems to stain his hands just because he didn’t hold his hands. And as he sits and he stares and he wonders why, he just wonders if anything can ever be the same, why he can’t just rewind……………

And as he sits and he stares out that window again his brothers body flashes through in his mind again, all that blood all that pain but most of all, it was all in vain. Because no one cares about the presents he never gave, and no one cares about the favors no one repaid. And no one ever cares about that kid who sits alone in the street, crying because his brother looks like a piece of bloody meat. And no one cares about the kid whose parents die in that car crash right before his eyes. But why should they, they have troubles of there own, why should it matter if no one but him comes home. But most of all they never care about the teenager who lies crying on his bed, because no one is there, there’s no family, no friends just because Jessie broke up with Jacob again. So he sits and stares crying on his bed wishing it never happened that he could do it all over again.

There’s a boy sitting somewhere staring out his second story bedroom window again. His mind is blank and he wonders how, how could it all happen surely someone would help. There’s supposed to be a God but he wasn’t there, there was no friends, no government not a soul. But through all the screams, the tears and the heart rending sobs no one ever appeared just to try and help, and nothing happened, and nothing changed the world kept spinning like weather vein. But he can’t help wondering, couldn’t someone do something just to ease the pain, to take it away like it never was so he’d be whole again like everyone else. And from all the thinking all the pain he decides that he knows why God never came, it’s because he’s not like everyone says he not like your family or a friend he’s more like the Devil he’s a fickle bitch who gets his kicks from tortured kids.

And as he sits and he stares out the window again red clouds his vision and he wants to be dead. Nothing stops him, nothing gets in his way but everything still smashes like it did on that day. After it’s all over, nothings left, nothing but that present sitting on the bed, it sits lying there like a beacon of his little brothers love. It’s a last gift, it’s a gift that will never be given, it’s a gift to remind people of why it’s never okay to lie even if it’s just for one special day. Thinking changes nothing and shards of glass like a forest of crystal trees decorate a room full of saddened memories and shattered glass. So he sits and stares out the window again asking why it seems like the only thing left to him.

There’s a boy sitting somewhere staring out his second story bedroom window again. As he sits and stares his memory dims and he wonders what, what happened that screwed his life up. He remember and the pain comes back, but it’s even worse this time because of all the cracks, cracks in his memories, cracks in his brain, but most of all the cracks in that window of his. But while his pain is sharp, and his pain is real soon the memories wash back into his brain again, hidden away just beyond sight, hiding in the dark as if they’re afraid of the light. Because light bring truth, and truth brings pain but most of all because truth brings back his sanity, and he doesn’t want that cause nothing can be the same, so nothing can’t be sane, and sane people don’t lie there crying on there bed.

There’s a boy sitting somewhere staring out his second story bedroom window again. So he sits and he stares trying to keep the pain away so he tries to think back to that horrible day. But even though he tries the truth comes back and with it comes the pain, with it comes his sanity. With his sanity the tears come back flooding down his cheeks making tire tracks, but he doesn’t want to cry he doesn’t want the pain that comes back with those memories. So he lashes out and he smashes glass and nothing will ever be the same again, but he fells real funny so he looks right down and sees those shards of glass poking through his arm. He sees all of his blood draining away but is it his blood or his memories.

So he sits and he stares all alone because, he was the only one who came home. Because that dreadful day everything slipped away, and now no ones ever coming home again, and that’s why he’s sitting there staring out that window again. Just waiting for it all to sink back in, he dimly wonders why he’s got shards of glass in his arm, but he just sits and he stares and remembers that day when the shards of glass took his brother away. So as he stares at the shards of glass he’s reliving it all again, all his past he doesn’t know but I don’t think he’d care. Because he decided never again, so he sits and stares at the shards of glass, and waits for it to sink in, that it’s really his blood draining away, and that today really will be his last day.

So he sits and stares out the broken window again dimly wondering why it all had to happen why he just couldn’t rewind…………


This stated as an English assignment but I just expanded it so enjoy.

PS: It's still not finished but I need people to comment before it is
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Re: My Writing

Post by Supreme Overlord on Wed Nov 03, 2010 12:40 am

Hmm, I find it interesting. I don't have a lot of trouble reading it, but *cough* spelling and punctuation *cough*.

It actually sounds a bit lyrical/poetic to me; the way you continually repeat some lines and ideas.

I might have some more for you later, but can I just ask: what inspired this?


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Re: My Writing

Post by JuDgEFuDgE on Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:50 am

personally all i could picture while reading that was some R&B guy singing this =S

very Bawww
i agree with supreme tho
what brought this on?
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Re: My Writing

Post by If I Could Rewind on Wed Nov 03, 2010 8:13 am

Umm as I said it was an English assignment that actually did start as a poem but it's not really one its more of a cross between a poem and a short story.
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Re: My Writing

Post by Darth Skywalkerbacca on Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:05 am

it is slightly repetative and I think you just wrote one paragraph and then figured out how many times you could write the same paragragh again just slowly constructing a vague backstory through each of them.
Personaly I didn't like it but I prefer things that are either epic in scope and give you a lot of backstory you need to remember (these usually are books spread out over several series or something like Star Wars) or something fictional based on histirical events and crammed with facts. I also like books that give you something to think about (usually related to social norms or science concepts). Pure fiction just isn't my thing especially if it is a one off text.
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Re: My Writing

Post by Alex Steiner on Thu Nov 11, 2010 9:12 am

Darth Skywalkerbacca wrote:it is slightly repetative and I think you just wrote one paragraph and then figured out how many times you could write the same paragragh again just slowly constructing a vague backstory through each of them.
Personaly I didn't like it but I prefer things that are either epic in scope and give you a lot of backstory you need to remember (these usually are books spread out over several series or something like Star Wars) or something fictional based on histirical events and crammed with facts. I also like books that give you something to think about (usually related to social norms or science concepts). Pure fiction just isn't my thing especially if it is a one off text.
There's more than one way to make you think, mind. This text does it in other ways. This also appears to be a part of a larger story, but I don't think this is the first bit (unless it's a cold opening).

The longs "......" jump out at me. I'd just leave it at 3, since it does the same thing, giving the impression of trailing off (as opposed to "Sentence sentence-" which implies a quick stop.


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Re: My Writing

Post by Darth Skywalkerbacca on Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:16 am

I dispute that it may make you think but it sure as hell doesn't make me think (sorry to Rewind if you find this discouraging but you shouldn't be blunt in your criticism no matter how the person your critiquing feels about it)
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Re: My Writing

Post by Alex Steiner on Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:46 am

I do like the way it builds.

But what is it building to?

If it was me he'd go crazy and start frolicking among sunflowers (that was my last English assignment, it was a lot of fun). Very symbolic and whatnot Very Happy.


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